sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
