saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
