quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
now i know why i became what i already was.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
