Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize