can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
