Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
