Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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