he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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