good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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