I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
