I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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