If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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