All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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