Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
