Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
it's like iHOP with fire
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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