I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
