guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
