i think i have two assholes
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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