I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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