Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
