is your mom at the bar?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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