That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
