Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
