I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
