can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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