I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize