Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
