I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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