you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
