I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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