I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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