Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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