that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
