I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
