Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
