I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
