guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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