Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
