They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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