He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
