I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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