On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
