i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
