He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
