Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
