Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
