Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
