I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
