I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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