According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
