I just saw a hot homeless man
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
