If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
