You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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