I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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