So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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