..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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