You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
