what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
