Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
