He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
